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[personal profile] holdingon2dreams
The program is vasty different not even just in it's approach but in its client base.

More and more the program is geared towards first responders.

PTSD has expanded to include experiences where your life is not necessarily in danger but  where you see or experience powerlessness.A really nice lady there said that if we all put our problems into a pile in the centre and were given an opportunity to go back to pick them up...we'd pick our own. I get what she means...but I wouldn't. I resent that people consider their struggle aside mine as equal. And it's not. For one, I was a child. And I didn't  sign up for this. They did.

And the part of me that yearns so much to heal, to take up space, or be who I am with people who also know how I got there.

I don't really know how to explain:

     -hyper vigilance, each individual is convinced that they are the most hypervigilant person on the unit. Yet during an annoying number of mindfulness sessions they ALL have their eyes closed.

-yeah...hypervigilence for me means keeping those open. Unless I'm going to slip into a dissociated state as it is and I try to surrender as quickly as possible to get through it as fast as possible

    -or someone asked me why I know the area so well and that I'm very observent about my surroundings. I'm not sure who came up with this...but this is hypervigilence for me. Know where you are so that perchance, after you've gotten yourself in a really bad situation you can call for help. Or more likely once my body dies I know where to pick up "us" all to go to whatever world is after this.

    -we have a lot of people who play the part. For instance one guy said one day that it took courage for him to not disclose why he was here. My pscyhologist whom I actually talked to about a thousand other things before that and how I'm going a little crazy because it's 930 in the morning and I've already been severely triggered twice that I know of. And used that as a an example of how I'm feeling in such a way where my tolerance is just to low to continue as is.

she perceived that comment as adhering to a strict confidentiality policy. So um...clearly she missed the conversation where he told us he lives in a small town (900 people) east of a certain city and that he does it "all" as an RCMP officer. And has incredible interview skills especially with children. So much for confidentiality. He's given me all I need to know to find out what he's talking about.

-I go to get ice beause I get overwhelmed at just the thought of a room of 30 people feeling emotionally vulnerable. People see and go to get there own. I'm glad if it works for you. But if you're doing it because you need to be one of the more distressed individuals in that group...you're quicklly borrown on my reserve for respect for you. You don't get to be a PTSD "survivor" without surviving, preferrably with a little grace.

-no one wants to call BS but there's a lot of it.

-take a look around, who has attempted suicide? Only one man, and all but one woman. Doesn't that say something? I mean I know that women make a whole more and unsuccessful attempts but still. That's the action of a really desperate and very powerless person. The bottom line in first responders that although you may be powerless/limited to what you can do within the law, or the politics within the institution you are not usually in danger of losing your life, and to a certain extent the law will also protect you.

No body protects me, but me and I have hard days where even I can't do it. Unless I'm a  means to an ends nobody cares.

The rigidity in thought patterns does not serve anyone well. In holding onto that you are making a choice to stay there. That is entirely of your doing. I'm not saying convert to someone you aren't. Just think about it. And leave the door open a little.

One man in EMS said that paramedics eat their own. Yes I'm aware. I did experience parts of that.

You know what nurses do? They cut you up into tiny pieces, prepare a sacrafice or worshiping ceremony, place an announcement in the paper as an open invitation, take photos (like actually) to immortalize the moment. Memorize the professional standards and find some twisted way to explain why they're so fucking evil, pray before eating, pray half way through eating several times, pray after eating, and then they freeze the left overs for later.

It's "eating your own" on steroids. I mean EMS doesn't have enough time to engage in it to that degree. And having just met him and on upon initial impressions I totally get why they do.

The staff drive me a bit insane.

The rules are just ridiculous.

-No showers after ten. The reason? Someone slipped and fell in the tub room once after taking her night meds. Seriously? Showering at night is part of my very healthy night time routine. And a few of us have chosen not to take that insane a level of medication and so we can't be exempt from that? I take 75 mg of trazadone (new-because I couldn't reset my more healthy sleep pattern without it), amytripiline which I've taken forever and it does not cause me side effects anymore. I take it for migraine prophylaxis NOT sleep or depression.

Like does anyone want to consider that maybe this is a bit much? If you have that many non-functional people after bed time meds I'm not sure I agree. At one time at least two people were walking arond effectively high. And medication ideally should not be part of the long term plan. And I've heard of three medications being changed at one time (bad idea-especially since we're here for eight weeks so it's not necessary).

-We are not allowed to go off the unit after ten. Yet there are at least three people from BC who are three hours behind the time here. They can't call at 6pm because it's still the middle of the day there. Okay well no one wants to hear my conversation so I go to a semi private place and I am asked to go somewhere so I can talk through someone's TV shows instead of having our own space because I might make someone wake up. At 1015.

-Do you know how fucking loud people are doing night checks? I am not loud, I am talking normally and not within anyones earshot or bedroom and all the doors are closed. That's just a power trip. Let's call it what it is. She's also refused me medication once so I could "practice my skills". What do you think I've been doing for the last 18 hours? Hey I'll just ask for it sooner next time...since you'll just make me wait as it is. The latest thing she did was ask me to come back for my medication because my nurse was on break. This is only required if a nurse has poured meds. If they're being taken straight from the package anyone can do it. I respond that are you not concerned that the order will expire because it's now an hour after they were to be given. She looks at  me with no idea what I'm talking about and instead lectures me, like a child, about the designated medication time like I might not have picked up on that.

I can out nurse her as it is right now not having completed nursing school. Like really lets just call that what it is too. Bitch. And refusing meds because my nurse is on break? No one would dream of getting away with that in a hospital. That's why nurses cover eachother.

The medication she refused to me I have used once by the way, and seen the MD (general physician) for the issue to resolve the concern. So I'd go with that as a power trip as well.

And then one day my nurse asked me to see her. She wouldn't tell me why even though I asked. And then we did the weekly "assessment" which I've never done before or since. Every single thing that came out of her mouth was directly from a text book. If the answer to my life was in a text book I wouldn't be hear listening to your snotty ass.

-The whole knock and wait to be let in is a lost concept. Seriously they don't understand.

-We can't be in eachothers rooms at all, it was priorly that we couldn't be in eachother's rooms with the door closed (which I get). But when there is no space to do anything else as we're expected to go to bed at 9pm  we've gone way beyond reasonable.

-The newest rule is that we are not to use the disabled shower (the only one not like a coffin) because it floods. No. No. If it floods than the person who flooded it cleans it up. That's how simple that is.

-I'm just tired. It's like going through basic training (stupid ridiculously rigid rules) while at the same time being deemed incompetent and treated as a child.

More later.
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